Yes, I am doing a Rumble review. Calm your tits and pray for me because I have to listen to Cole and JBL for an ungodly amount of hours. Let’s get this out of the way first, I do not like the WWE, not one little bit. They are the Chuck E- Cheese of the wrestling world. A place where you can drop toddlers and Raiders fans off. Too many bland characters and wrestling akin to a senior citizen orgy (Let that lovely image sink in). But anyhoo, let’s get on with this and maybe, just maybe it might be actually good (Ya right, and I’m going to be polishing the one wonder weasel with Emma Stone tonight.)
5PM: Mommy has just dropped me off at nasty Uncle Paul’s house. He answers the door wearing nothing but a leopard print banana hammock and holding a can of lube and a Hello Kitty Dildo. With one last sullen look back that maybe there will be a last minute reprieve, I enter the nightmare that is WWE circa 2017 while nasty Uncle Paul massages my neck tenderly…(editor’s note: I’m not googling anything for an image of that).
No, I did not watch kick off show. Life is too short for that and I could have spent it feeding an Ethiopian orphan or something. (Team Alexa d. Team Becky, The Club d. Sheamus & Cesaro to become new Raw Tag Team Champions and Nia Jax d. Sasha in a squash)
First match of this long night was Charlotte vs Bayley.
Let’s give props first, Charlotte is a bonafide blue chipper. The woman can wrestle and put on hell of a show. Finally, the WWE has struck gold and will do well to keep on pushing her. As for Bayley? She is clearly not ready for the big stage. Sloppy and badly timed moves and zero personality, it would be best for her to head back to developmental before she hurts herself or someone else. As for the match? It was cute and to the point but nothing you don’t see on Lucha Underground every week done by far superior wrestlers (Future Ex Mrs McKay Sexy Star, Taya, Evilise etc). Charlotte needs a real challenger now but without a doubt she is wrestling royalty. Long may The Queen reign.
Next up is Owens vs Reigns:
I refuse to say anything about Roman Reigns, so I will be talking about Dutch Dikes for the next bit:
Flood control is an important issue for the Netherlands, as about two thirds of its area is vulnerable to flooding, while the country is among the most densely populated on Earth. Natural sand dunes and constructed dikes, dams, and floodgates provide defense against storm surges from the sea. River dikes prevent flooding from water flowing into the country by the major rivers Rhine and Meuse, while a complicated system of drainage ditches, canals, and pumping stations (historically: windmills) keep the low-lying parts dry for habitation and agriculture. Water control boards are the independent local government bodies responsible for maintaining this system.
In modern times, flood disasters coupled with technological developments have led to large construction works to reduce the influence of the sea and prevent future floods.
Still going? Fine.
The flood-threatened area of the Netherlands is essentially an alluvial plain, built up from sediment left by thousands of years of flooding by rivers and the sea. About 2,000 years ago most of the Netherlands was covered by extensive peat swamps. The coast consisted of a row of coastal dunes and natural embankments which kept the swamps from draining but also from being washed away by the sea. The only areas suitable for habitation were on the higher grounds in the east and south and on the dunes and natural embankments along the coast and the rivers. In several places the sea had broken through these natural defenses and created extensive floodplains in the north. The first permanent inhabitants of this area were probably attracted by the sea-deposited clay soil which was much more fertile than the peat and sandy soil further inland. To protect themselves against floods they built their homes on artificial dwelling hills called terpen or wierden (known as Warften or Halligen in Germany). Between 500 BC and AD 700 there were probably several periods of habitation and abandonment as the sea level periodically rose and fell. The first dikes were low embankments of only a meter or so in height surrounding fields to protect the crops against occasional flooding. Around the 9th century the sea was on the advance again and many terps had to be raised to keep them safe. Many single terps had by this time grown together as villages. These were now connected by the first dikes.
And done. Owens won and this misery is finally over with.
Next up is Neville vs Rich Swann for the Cruiserweight championship.
Got to be honest here, I fell asleep during this match. It was slower than a snail dry humping through molasses or me in a Mathematics class. Dull, slow and a verypale imitation of what Lucha Underground is doing so excellently at the moment. Put this puppy down I say.
Cena vs Styles:
I…I actually liked a WWE match? I must be sick or something but this match was really good. Two masters bringing their A game and they took it to the max. But then again, AJ can make a broom (or the Miz, they both have the same wrestling talent) look good but I digress. I was never a Cena fan but I have to give him props here, he has busted his ass in WWE and deserves to break Flair’s record one day. One hell of a match and the sole shining light in a dismal night so far. Cena by the pinfall and things are looking up.
It’s finally Rumble time and Big Cass comes out first followed by…some sort of very loud and very annoying skunk looking thing. Are the creative writers smoking their socks? This is one of the very worst characters I have ever seen, I mean Boogeyman or Miz level bad. Stop, please stop.
Jericho is out number 2 followed soon by Kalisto. The usual parade of generic and interchangeable characters follow suit (What the fuck was that jar of mayonnaise doing with the umbrella?! The beacons are lit! Gondor calls for aid!) So very very awful and things are looking bad. I’m going to single out a few individuals as they arrive and give my thoughts on them.
Strowman: The dude really has potential and they will make a star if they stick with him. Very entertaining in the ring and a great look. Do not put a gimmick on him, just let him kick ass and all will be fine.
Baron Corbin: I’m calling it now, Corbin will wear major gold within the next two years. He really stood out in the pack and with the right manager (Heyman?) he could soon be a blue chipper. In the sea of blandness, he stands head and shoulders above many others.
Miz: He will always be the reality show contestant that got lucky and got pushed above better and more talented wrestlers. In my mind, the most overrated wrestler the business has ever seen. Please go back to reality TV.
Cesaro: He should be fighting for major gold yet is stuck in the middle of nowhere. This is the biggest crime WWE has committed in many a year and I would give what to see him in Lucha putting on matches of the year with Mil, Cage and Puma. What an absolute tragedy.
The New Day: Less said the better. Let it go now please, we’ve suffered enough.
Oldberg, Lesnar and Taker showed up and did their thing and it was looking really interesting and then we reached number 30. Who would it be? Joe, Angle, Omega or dare I dream Ricochet?
Nope, like a lingering wet fart in church Roman Reigns showed up. Skippy waltzes down and you can actually hear the crowd dying. Please stop pushing him, he simply isn’t good enough and are we actually going to get Skippy vs Taker for the Deadman’s last ever match? The very thought makes me want to drop a green social kitten and start watching TNA (See what you’ve made me do WWE?!).
Long story short, Orton eliminates Skippy in the end and wins the Rumble. Okay why? Orton does not need the push and it could have worked so much better by giving a guy like Corbin or Cesaro a chance to shine.
What a waste.
I had such high hopes for this rumble but as usual nasty Uncle Paul and the WWE have bored us to tears once again.
Can we perhaps move Lucha Underground to like tomorrow please? I need to get this god-awful shit out of my system.
Thumbs down WWE, thumbs way down.
There’s a part 2 to this. I think we have broken John.